Marriage Advice from 1944

advice for marriage from a 1944 book, excerpted from an article (see link):

[ ]  “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage; half closed afterwards.”

Sooner or later, if you are “stuck” on a girl, you arrive at the crucial indecision, “Is she the right girl for me? Shall I marry her?”

Yours is an unbelievable lot, brother. You are required to decide for the rest of your life, at a time when you are bereft of reason. You are required to be impartial about the object of your love, when love prejudices you in her favor. Unfortunately, such is the cockeyed nature of things that every marrying man gets into this predicament.

What you seek in a wife is strictly your business. To rephrase the old proverb: one man’s wife is another man’s poison. But it is only fair to warn you that what you desire may not coincide with what you require. You may have no idea of what is good for you. Perhaps you need a woman to bolster your ego, but are masochist enough to “go” for a girl who slaps you down every time. Haven’t you seen that happen? Or you may need a girl to slap you down, but egoist that you are, you “go” only for “fluff” that flatters your vanity.

Before you make the momentous decision, you would do well to ponder the questions in this chapter. Obviously, you will not be objective; but it is of the utmost importance that you make the effort. To compensate for your prejudice, be extra hard in judging her.

  • She is attractive, of course, but is that her chief asset? (Try to imagine her ten years from today.)
  • Do you want her because she is popular–because other men have wanted her? (Don’t be a copy-cat!)
  • Could you spend seven consecutive evenings in her company without being bored? (If the answer is affirmative, it is a good sign.)
  • Do you have similar tastes in most things?
  • Is she a good sport?
  • Is she reasonably healthy?
  • Is she a flirt? Does she make you jealous? (Decide whether you can stand the strain; your jealously will persist until you grow indifferent.)
  • Are you constantly irritated by some small mannerism of hers? (You can’t be terribly in love.)
  • Does she tell lies? Do you mind?
  • Is she a nag?
  • Is she quarrelsome? (The Bible warns, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”)
  • Is she hard on other people? (Don’t judge by her behavior to you.)
  • Is she trying to reform you? How do you feel about being reformed?
  • Has she tried to boss you? (Maybe you need a boss.)
  • Would she put up with all your faults if she knew them?
  • When you quarrel, who capitulates first? (A combination of two stubborn mules is bad.)
  • Do you agree on children, or a career, or both? (Better settle this beforehand.)
  • Does she expect you to support her in a definite style? Could you count on her cooperation in hard times? Would she go to work if necessary?
  • Will she help you get ahead? Or will she pull you away from your work?
  • Can she handle money?
  • If you marry her, will you also be marrying her family?
  • Does she let you get around to see your old pals? (If you have been too infatuated to notice, make it a point of finding out.)
  • Are you proud to present her to your friends? (If not, reconsider.)
  • Do you hope to reform her? (Give up the idea. People change, but not according to plan.)
  • Do you know her faults? Are you willing to live with them?
  • Do you still think her perfect? (You’re wrong, of course, but marry!)

Draft Goals 1.0

Prioritize:  happiness and health.

Handle finances, estate plan.

Get out of the house.

Exercise.

Relax:  sports, recreation, hobbies, quality sleep, etc.

Appreciate art:  e.g., music, films, limited TV, literature.

Cook.

Organize, declutter.  Make home improvements.

Update wardrobe.

Socialize.

Publish a blog and book.

Form a business (and sponsor health coverage).

Gamble profitably (horses, blackjack, sports, poker).

Practice firearms skills.

Reconnect with family, friends (LA, Ventura County, Orange County, San Diego, Philadelphia, Virginia, Honolulu, Singapore, Taiwan, Sacramento/Reno, San Francisco, Berkeley, Phoenix).

Travel (South America, Africa, Australia, Antarctica) (Montreal, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Nepal, Hong Kong); (Santa Monica, Los Angeles, California, Las Vegas, Maine, Mississippi, Oregon).

Brainstorm.  Revise goals, develop new ambitions.

Try things; let the cards fall.

Think about role models (Renaissance man?).

Live simply.

 

Marriage Myths

excerpted from this article (see link):

[ ]  Many of the traditional reasons why a man gets married are a myth.

“I won’t die alone”
Wrong. The simple fact is that one spouse WILL die alone. Visit the hospital and go to the terminally ill or cardiac departments. Few people have the time to sit with an ill relative all day and all night. Yes, you may get visitors, but they aren’t having the same thoughts as you are. You’re contemplating your mortality, while they’re wondering what food the hospital cafeteria offers. In the end, even with a loving and supportive family, most of us will leave this world alone, unless you both die simultaneously in an accident of some kind. Your spouse may die fifteen years before you, or you may be in the hospital for your last year. Ultimately, we all die alone. Married or not.

“I won’t grow old alone”
Not necessarily. A marriage can self-destruct at any time. Your partner may initiate divorce at age 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65 or 70. Many married people end up in the same position (alone) as if they had never married at all. Now they enter their twilight years broke, as a result of being stripped of half or more of their life’s assets, losing half their retirement and pension funds, and being assessed alimony payments. [ ]

Men are led to believe that not marrying implies only one destiny; that of a solitary monk in a cave, a shunned loner. However, life is not so black and white. Not marrying does not mean you cannot continue to date or have meaningful relationships throughout your life. There are plenty of single people in all age brackets. A bad marriage can be the loneliest of institutions, because most of your emotional outlet and companionship is concentrated into one person who gives back nothing in emotion, affection or support. Young men in their 20′s and 30′s should be more aware of the alternatives that exist in life. They should be aware that marriage is a choice, and is not the only path life has to offer. An informed decision is less likely to be one that is later regretted.

“I’ll get regular sex”
Not from Modern, Western Women. Access to regular sex is the oldest and the most frequently cited reason to marry. Many men now know that Modern, Western Women frequently stop having sex after just a short time of being married. There are plenty of “sexless” marriages. Talk to a few married couples that are honest about their relationship. One or both partners may stop wanting sex after kids, or the sex may be as infrequent as once a year or once every six months, or the wife may only have sex when she wants the husband to buy her something, take her somewhere, or remodel the house. Read the honest opinions of married men on the Internet. Most Western, Married Men will have more sex with their Western Wives in the first six months of their marriage than they will in the next 40 years. Lastly, it remains to be seen whether sex with one exclusive partner for forty years or more is even a natural act, or just a man-made convention. In many Western Nations, the wife is no longer required to have sex with her husband. She can deny him at any time, for any length of time. She can, if she wishes, deny him sex forever and there is nothing that he can do about it. [ ]

Marriage is hardly a guarantee of regular sex, as many people are led to believe.

“I’ll have someone to cook and clean for me”
Not necessarily.  [ ]  Today’s woman is empowered by not performing the traditional housewife duties, regardless of whether she is working or not. If a husband asks that his wife perform traditional household duties because she is not working, he will often be labeled sexist, abusive or controlling, even if he is doing his “traditional role” of paying all the bills, providing for his family, and performing the traditional manly duties of vehicle repairs, maintaining the lawn and house upkeep.

“I have to be married to have kids”
Not anymore. Her ovaries do not physically need a [marriage] contract [ ] in order to be fertilised by your sperm. Cro-Magnon man had children long before lawyers invented marriage contracts. Often, you do not need to be married in order to share health benefits. You do not need to be married to designate your partner on a life insurance policy. [ ]  It is ironic that responsible parents who raise a healthy family, but never actually sign marriage paperwork, get less respect than divorced parents or married parents who are ineffective, inattentive or incompetent.

-Having a lifelong, faithful, committed relationship has nothing to do with being “married”.
-Owning a beautiful dream home together has nothing to do with being “married”.
-Rearing healthy, happy, and successful children has nothing to do with being “married”.
-Building a family and life together has nothing to do with being “married”.
-Growing old together has nothing to do with being “married”.

[ ]  You do need to be married in order to throw an extravagant four-hour party, and share the same last name.

You do need to be married in order to involve the state and government in your romantic affairs.

You do need to be married in order give away half of everything you own.

Besides that, marriage does nothing more than introduce lawyers and social workers into your life. These are people that otherwise would have nothing to do with your life or your relationship.

Men need to stop and ask themselves:

“Why exactly am I getting married? What exactly does marriage mean to me in today’s world? What is the benefit to me to get married?”

It is no longer a lifelong commitment, because it can be reversed overnight on her unilateral whim.

Marriage was originally created as a way for families to merge land, property, political power and influence; perhaps people should return to viewing it as just that and nothing more. The rest of it is fake modern TV Fantasy and Tabloid Gossip and Hype polluting the minds of today’s impressionable youth, and a way to keep the multi-billion-per-year wedding industry chugging along. Perhaps the only criteria should be to ask oneself: “How excited am I for us to merge our finances and assets?” When all the fluff and hype are boiled away, that may be the only remaining reality. Spend a day in divorce court, and you’ll see exactly what is real and tangible and lasting about marriage. [ ]  The rest are myths, lies, bold unsubstantiated promises, and maybes. “For better or for worse…”

The Western Divorce rate is 43%. It is higher in some parts of the world such as California, Great Britain and Australia. [ ]  Consider the number of people who are in a bad marriage, but elect to stay; Men who don’t want to lose 50%, women who know they can’t support themselves alone. Next, think of how many more couples stay together just for the sake of the kids. Of these “forced marriages”, consider how many of these marriages involve infidelity, no sex, or sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms. I estimate the percentage of happy and monogamous marriages to be under 5%. Are these odds you would take in a business venture, investment or loan? Most of the risk-averse population would not. Yet they seek this exception to the rule everyday through marriage.

Ninja

excerpted from this article (see link)

Imagining guys running around in black pajamas and swords, disappearing in a puff of smoke? Well let’s start with a proper… non Hollywood idea of what the Ninja were… or are… and then see what we can learn from them.

Today we have this image of the Ninja as evil assassins sneaking around Japanese castles and killing under cover of night. What most people don’t know is that the Ninja were simple farmers, priests and shopkeepers who were forced out of Japanese society and hunted by their own government. They were the ultimate survivors. In fact the word Ninja in old fashioned Japanese translates to “the person who overcomes”.

Early in Japanese history a Samurai General named Daisuke Togakure lost a battle; and as was tradition in Japan his master ordered him to kill himself and ordered that his family be stripped of all title and land. Instead this Samurai General chose to survive. He fled his home with his family and went to live in the wilderness. Now an outcast being hunted by his own government he was forced to re-invent his understanding of combat. Togakure met up with some Chinese immigrants who had fled the massive wars going on in China. Their knowledge of battle tactics, medicine and technology from all over the Asian main continent helped Togakure form what would become one of the earliest and oldest traditions of the Ninja. (This is just a rough and quick version of the oral history of the founding if this tradition) There are many other traditions of Ninjutsu but they all are similar in that they contain a philosophy of life which values surviving and overcoming or “persevering” and which leads to a simple life style with a very alternative method of self defense. The philosophy of the Ninja stood in opposition of the Bushido code of the Samurai which contained a strong class structure, and espoused suicide as a noble and honorable ideal. To the Samurai the Ninja were dishonorable, evil creatures who had no right to live… the Ninja just wanted to be left alone to live their lives as they saw fit. [ ]

As a person who has studied and practiced this tradition for several years now I have found some great principles which are a guide I use in life and in my preparations to continue life. In all of my training and all of my study of the Ninja culture as it existed hundreds of years ago and as it exists today I have found five principles that seem to apply to the Ninjas secret to not only survive but to thrive. [ ]

Principle #1: Strong and clean spirit
[ ]  The Ninja speak of attaining an unfettered mind; that you should know who you are at your deepest core. Life should be spent learning, knowing and practicing what you are. This done in everyday life gives an unfettered mind and leads to good decision making under even the worst situations. [ ]

Principle #2: Utility.
While the Samurai prided themselves on beautiful swords passed down through their family for generations and body armor decorated with family crests and religious icons the Ninja often used little more than modified farming implements as weapons. This was in part because of the ban on civilians owning or carrying swords… (we can learn a lesson here) but also because of the principle of utility. To the Ninja they were not mere weapons, but rather everything was a tool. A Ninja didn’t pride himself on a fancy sword; instead he would make a sword which like all of his tools served more than one purpose. His other commonly used weapons were converted farming implements. [ ]  Sure the Ninja would have never turned down a fancy ray skin and ivory Katana, but he would usually be found with a much cruder instrument. [ ]

Principle #3: Simplicity.
As I said earlier the Ninja were mostly farmers and merchants, but they could be found in all levels and aspects of life. There were even some Ninja amongst the ruling class of Japan at one time. What was common amongst them was that they strove to live a simple life. Both historic and modern Ninja rarely had lavish homes or castles. Rarely were known to frequent parties and social events. Instead they lived simple lives enjoying the things in life which were of true value. Simplicity permeated all aspect of their life. Often a diet of simple, healthy home grown food was eaten. With this simplicity in lifestyle one also becomes more in tuned to your own environment, able to notice small changes in weather and even understand nature on a closer level. Rarely did the Ninja draw attention to themselves. Instead of going off to become famous warriors and have grand adventures most Ninja lived quiet lives in their villages and trained diligently in their fighting arts; not for glory, but simply as a means to protect them and their families from the outside world. [ ]

Principle #4: Community and Self-Reliance.
Contrary to what some may argue community and self reliance are not mutually exclusive ideas. The Ninja were experts at having a community OF self reliance. The Ninja often lived in very close nit villages and towns where they worked and trained together so as to provide everything they needed and thus insulate themselves from the rest of Japan. [ ]

Principle #5: Fluidity.
Absolutely essential to the fighting style and even day to day life of the Ninja is the principle of fluidity. The Ninja fighting style involves five principle ways or feelings of combat. Each one represents an element of existence and grants almost a personality to your movement and technique. Examples are fire, a strong hot burst of energy cutting through an opponent or earth, the stable and immovable feeling of power. The five elements (earth, wind, fire, water, and the void) are not in themselves all powerful; it is the Ninjas ability to transition from one to the other and combine them in response to any situation which is essential. This fluidity was not just expressed in the elemental forms of combat, but instead is the fundamental difference between the Samurai and the Ninja. The Samurai followed set in stone techniques and movements. Memorize enough movements and you will have one for every situation. The Ninja started when they had to adapt and abandon old ways; this flexibility allowed them to meet all situations and adapt their techniques to any situation. A fundamental idea in the Ninja philosophy is not to have expectations of what will happen, but instead to be ready for and deal with whatever comes. Work towards your goals but adapt to the outcomes as they happen, don’t get caught in a frustrating loop of things not going your way and reacting with the same effort every time. [ ]  We should have basic tools which will work in any situation. Tools which serve multiple purposes and can be adapted to anything we need.  [ ]

WATER: Just as water feeds life and contains a power in both its ability to draw away from and crash back onto anything, to slowly erode a mountain, feed the tallest tree; we need the essentials of life. [ ]

EARTH: Strong foundations in faith and community allow us to stand like a rock against the corruption and destruction around us. [ ]

FIRE: Fire is our arms, our brute force through firepower.
[ ]  The Ninja as with all people of Japan were disarmed by the ruling elites, however the Ninja refused to comply, instead they fought back. [ ]  Fire comes in a burst of violence, heat and action. It is emotional, but not un-controlled. Fire also represents our passion, the passion which makes us act. It is the burning sense of right and wrong which protects our very soul from the corruption of the world. [ ]

WIND: Wind leaves us aloof, it represents the lighthearted sense of security preparedness gives us. [ ]  The feeling of being un-touchable effects your very movement and every aspect of life. Being self reliant, with your own business and self sustaining property gives you this confidence and allows you to take stands politically and economically without fear of losing your job or being evicted from your home if you oppose the powers at be.

THE VOID: This is often a difficult concept. [ ]  The void is the sense that anything can and will happen. On one hand it is the knowledge of all potential dangers and the ability to handle them. On the other hand it is the ability to react with anything, having every tool in your toolbox so that you can react and adapt in any way necessary. [ ]  Where the void can help is in the idea of not being an idea. Not being anything in particular, be void of form. Don’t fit a stereotype . . . . [ ]


Non-Profit Reality

more reality from Meyerhofer:

You’re different. You disdain the crass blandishments of biglaw. You have a soul. Let the giant firms seduce your naïve classmates with their shameless wheedling. You’re made of sterner stuff.

[ ]  That’s why you’re taking the high road, escaping the pervasive cynicism and greed. You’ve got your sights set on a not-for-profit institution, dedicated to the promise of a better tomorrow.

[ ]  Let’s talk about the the not-for-profit track – its ups, downs and in-betweens.

Right off the bat, we have to discuss salary. I know – you want to escape all that – the obsession with filthy lucre. But there’s a stark reality you must grasp before reporting for duty at a not-for-profit: You will earn bupkis.

[ ]  This aforesaid stark reality also explains one of the dirty little secrets of the not-for-profit world: It’s a magnet for rich kids. If Mom and Dad have already paid off the $200k you blew on an undergraduate degree and law school, then bought you the cutest little one-bedroom in Chelsea and a brand new Prius…well, the logical next step is to save the world. It’ll be fun!

Not-for-profits are bursting at the seams with eager-beaver trust-afarians – and it doesn’t stop there. Sometimes Mom and Dad (and their friends) sit on the board. Sometimes the charismatic founder and Executive Director is a grinning, twenty-something former college lacrosse star, just back from Burning Man. You can’t hold it against him if he wants to donate a snippet of grandaddy’s styrofoam factory fortune to making the world a better place. But his white-boy dread locks and penchant for calling you “bro” in the hallway make you wince.

I’m merely acknowledging a reality. It can grate a bit, in the not-for-profit world, if you’re not in possession of a trust fund. It can feel disempowering when the Director of the One Love Institute for International Human Rights flies business class to a conference in Burkina Faso on theories of poverty and doesn’t appear to grasp that her plane ticket could feed a village there for a year. It doesn’t help when, upon her return, as she’s hopping a flight to her family’s cottage on Martha’s Vineyard, she gushes about how she adores Coney Island – a topic you awkwardly brought up because that’s where you go to the beach, via subway.

The situation might not rise to the level of “class warfare,” but working with rich kids can grow annoying – and make almost anything other than working for rich kids start to seem not so bad.

Yes, your friends in biglaw are tormented by sadistic partners and slave night and day to do the bidding of plutocrats. Yes, they despise their lives.

On the other hand, associates in biglaw can afford to take cabs, have dry cleaning done, eat out in grown-up restaurants, and buy grown-up clothes. You can’t.

[ ] First, not-for-profit jobs are hard to snag. It doesn’t seem like they should be. These outfits pay next to nothing, and beggars can’t be choosers. [ ]  But the dynamics changed after the crash of ’08. Now half the profession is out of work [ ]. Even a $45k not-for-profit job looks good, juxtaposed against living on the street.

Second, even if you can find a not-for-profit job, you have to manage to keep it, and not-for-profits rarely provide steady, reliable employment. [ ]  Over and above the issue of nasty office politics (i.e., it’s easy to get fired), there’s another factor: Not-for-profits are typically funded by grants, which run for a stated period. If the grant runs out, or the project is finished,  or there’s “mission drift,” or they decide to head in a different direction, or the weather turns rainy – you can wind up out of a job.

[ ]  At this point it’s worth addressing an even profounder question. If you can actually pull off the feat of situating yourself in a not-for-profit and live with the attendant financial risks, what will you actually be doing there?

That’s easy. Protecting the rights of the little people – the prisoners and the disabled and the schoolchildren from poor neighborhoods, the international victims of international human rights whatchamacallit – those people. In other words, you will be doing big things. Big, change-the-world things. That’s the best part of working in not-for-profit. Instead of writing a brief defending evil, polluting, discriminating, harassing mega-corporations, you write a brief for the good guys. That means a lot.

Unfortunately, it also raises a potential pitfall of the not-for-profit world – stupid ideas. Even when you mean well, and are working for the good guys, when you’re trying to accomplish big things and change the future of humanity, it’s possible to go off the rails. Every so often – and if you’ve worked in not-for-profit-land you know what I’m talking about – you get saddled with a truly misguided project. Once it’s funded – once someone’s written the thousand page grant proposal and (against the odds) won the grant – the whole thing is frozen in concrete. Even if it kinda doesn’t really make any sense.

That’s when you find yourself opening the outreach center in the neighborhood that doesn’t really need an outreach center – or searching for plaintiffs to defend the rights of people who have more serious rights to worry about defending, or don’t need to go to court to defend them since they’d be better off protesting or meeting with the appropriate people and working out a deal (lawyers don’t work out deals – they sue people.)

You have to do what it says in the grant. You can’t go to your boss and say this isn’t working, it doesn’t make sense. You have to shut up and do it. She probably knows it doesn’t make sense, just like you – but grants are what makes the wheels go round. Maybe she’s not a trust fund baby either and that grant for a misguided project is paying her rent.

Another not-so-inspiring situation arrives when the ideas aren’t stupid, but the clients are corrupt and awful. When you’re a public defender working with street criminals you can’t expect to like each and every client. But there’s something about working for peanuts and putting in long hours to lend your voice to a struggle – then finding out the person you’re struggling for is annoying or stupid or in it for the money and exploiting you. It can be a turn-off, and it happens. Not all the time – but it can be useful to admit, it happens.

All of this stuff contributes to a key attribute of not-for-profits. For want of a better word, I’ll term it bitchiness. Not-for-profits have a reputation for being…bitchy. I don’t mean that in a sexist sense – the men at not-for-profits are bitchy too.

Why are not-for-profits often such damned unpleasant places to work? It might be because everyone there is hungry for attention. After all – if you work at a not-for-profit, you possess some not-inconsiderable claim to sainthood. You’re ignoring the temptations of biglaw, with its fatcat salaries and fancy offices and black cars home at night. You’re working hard for almost nothing – sacrificing all because you care about the little people. If the world were a just place, someone should hand you a plaque. At least they could feature you in the donor newsletter.  But they didn’t. And that pisses you off. Because that other guy at your level, who hasn’t been there as long, got in the newsletter. Which is why you hate him.

It can get to you, working for the good of the planet with no one paying attention. Your Executive Director is a community hero – the focus of a stream of accolades. But you’ve seen her in action, and everyone knows she’s a useless, spoiled princess…

Welcome to not-for-profit bitchery. It resides in a league all its own.

And don’t think the usual office bullshit – sexual harassment, competitiveness, interdepartmental chill – doesn’t exist at not-for-profits. It only grows more intense, and snippier, in these claustrophobic confines. [ ]

[ ]  Then there are the donors – the real bosses. I remember my summer at the Gay and Lesbian Rights Project at the ACLU, circa 1995. Word had it Barbara Streisand’s assistant phoned in each week for a lengthy personal update from the Executive Director.  Babs was paying the bills, so Babs got a personal update.  At least Yoko Ono and Phil Donahue laid low after cutting their checks.

Raising money is the raison d’etre for not-for-profits. Without the money, there is no institution – the cart is placed firmly in front of the horse. Everything – everything – becomes about appearances. If you do something impressive, you have to convert it into marketing materials and flood the airwaves with it to raise cash. If something doesn’t pan out – a project turns out to be useless or misguided – well, you still have to make it look impressive and heroic and world-changing. You have no choice. It’s that – or everyone’s out of a job.

Yes, there are committed people out there doing good, and enjoying fulfilling careers working at not-for-profits.

But the not-for-profit world isn’t an all-purpose answer to the problem of unhappy lawyers. It presents challenges of its own. You might find yourself gazing wistfully at the other, for-profit side of the fence, where the grass begins to assume a verdant hue.

The Meaning of “No”

from here (Rule 2 seems tough):

I finally picked up that summer girlfriend I’ve been talking about. She’s a cute little thing, good job, nice girl, and easy to get along with.

I sealed the deal Saturday night after our second date. We met up at a bar here locally, I bumped in to a few friends along the way, and the five of us had a good night. As we left around 1:30 a.m., I walked her to her car and gave her a kiss, which is when she said “How far do you live from here?”

I said “about 6 miles”, and she smiled. She said “Let’s go back to your place and you can bring me back to my car tomorrow. Is that ok?”

Of course that was ok.

Once we arrived back at my place, she did the usual: she looked at the photos hanging on my wall of friends and family, asked all the “who is that?” questions, and headed for the bathroom as I crawled into bed. Neither one of us were drunk, because we had both been going easy on the booze since we both had long weeks and we weren’t in a party mood.

She came out of the bathroom and crawled into bed, and we started messing around. After about 15 minutes she was completely naked and on top of me. I grabbed her wrists, flipped her over on her back, and got on top of her.

“I love this”, she said, “but I’m not sure I want to have sex.”

I gave her a little kiss on the forehead and said “ok”. I rolled over, put my boxers back on, and we continued fooling around.

That’s when she started justifying her “no” to sex. She said “I just want to take it slow. I’ve learned that rushing in to things too quickly is a bad idea.”

I said “It’s not a problem, really. I’m just glad you’re here.”

I’d say less than 5 minutes later, she pulled my boxers back off, jumped on top of me, grabbed my rod and slid it in. I was a bit surprised, since her “no” was pretty clear just a few minutes prior.

Me: “Well look who decided she wants the…”

Her: “Just shut up and fuck me.”

I’d dare say there’s not a man out there who hasn’t been in this position a time or ten. The girl says “no”, you honor her wishes and stop the pursuit, and the next thing you know she’s asking for it again – or she just starts taking it.

This is a tricky situation since as a man, all of the risk involved goes on you. So let me make a few observations on the “no means no” situation, and share the personal policies I have developed over the years.

1. No means no, every time, in every situation, end of discussion. Game for me has never been about getting a woman to do something she doesn’t want to do – it’s about making her feel comfortable doing what she already wants to do. If she wants to be with me, then great. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too.

2. A drunken “no” has staying power for 24 consecutive hours. In the situation I described above, we were both stone-cold sober. But if either one of us was a little tipsy or drunk (I never get drunk, by the way) her “no” would have been treated as an absolute no for 24 hours. When she climbed back on top of me, I wouldn’t have had sex with her – regardless of what she said. I’ve been there many times over the years, and I have looked some rather beautiful young women in the eye and said “I don’t think you’re ready for this.” They usually get pissed off, call me a fag, and leave. No good deed goes unpunished.

3. A firm “no” is adhered to; as is a casual “no” and even the implications of a possible “no”.  I always err on the side of caution. The word “no” can come in many forms. “Slow down”, “wait,” “I’m not sure”, and any number of other words or phrases born of hesitation means “no” to me. If she says anything of the sort, I’m out.

In today’s sex-positive feminist world, the word “no” is becoming increasingly rare. But when it does pop up in any form, my advice is to take it very seriously. 30 seconds of orgasmic pleasure is not worth the lifetime of pain you’ll experience if she decides the next day (or a year later) that you took advantage of her without her consent. This is her world, she is the gatekeeper of sex, and it doesn’t matter if you acted inappropriately or not. All she has to do is *think* you acted inappropriately and and you’re screwed in more ways than one.

This article is not about promoting grrrrl power or urging men to treat women like the ladies they wish they were; it’s about keeping you from finding yourself in a jail cell staring at the business end of Big Bubba’s fleshpole while hoping he read this article and agrees that “no means no.”

Player Philosophy

from here

[ ]  Look, I love women. I love the chase, I love the seduction. I love that look in their eyes when you know it’s on, I love getting to know the cool ones better. I love having sex with them, I love having one night stands with them. I love having wild yet short flings with them, I love being fuckbuddies with them. I love being in a relationship with a worthy woman (rare as they are), and I love being in love.

However, I have the power to get all of the above from many women, and often a few concurrently. So I do.

Having shed myself of the chains of some hollow notion of honor and turned my back on whatever kinds of shame I receive from family, peers, or the media, I do what I want to do, and pursue what I want to pursue:

Variety. Beauty. Ecstasy. The Thrill. Victory.

I have no compunction against playing one girl off of another because it gets me what I want.

I have no problem juggling multiple girls at the same time.

I have no second thoughts cutting off a girl who even remotely pisses me off.

I have no problem dropping a girl that is cramping my style.

I have no problem cheating on a girl.

Morality means nothing to me.

I don’t lie, but neither do I tell everything.

If a girl drops out, I know another is right around the corner.

Most importantly, though: It’s my world, and they are living in it. 

[ ]  I don’t do this out of spite or vengefulness. I’m not out trying to tip some cosmic scale or get back at women for whatever failures and ineptitude I was ultimately responsible for in my earlier life.

I don’t relish in the occasional tears or heart break, or take pleasure in pain. I sympathize with them at times even if they knew what they were getting themselves into, knowing it was mostly my fault. But neither do I let histrionics or the prospect of hurt feelings slow me down, and it is impossible to “leave them better than you found them”. Feelings get hurt, deal with it, for how can one live if one is constantly deferring to other’s feelings and anxieties or letting fear of loss slow the journey?

Nah, I do this all because I can. I *have* my cake and I eat it, too. It’s delicious. The world is full of wonderful, sexy women who want to have a great time with me, and I with them, and I’m not about to let anything get in the way. Some want what I want, others want more. Some will know exactly who I am and still come, and others know nothing more is going to come from us. For some, we will meet at the right time in both of our lives, and for others we will not. Some will stay longer than others, but all will go. Yet here I will remain, getting hammered and talking shit with my friends, still out doing what I love doing-

Drink in one hand, girl in the other.

Sex in the City (of Santa Monica)

from here:

[ ]  When it comes to which cities value sex the most, Venice comes out on top and Santa Monica comes second

The state of California houses eight out of the top ten U.S. cities, and what’s even more shocking (or maybe not shocking at all), is that cities #1-6 are all located within sunny Los Angeles, the Huffington Post reported.

All of this ravishing data is according to over 10 million personality tests taken nationally by singles on Chemistry.com, a Match.com offshoot.

Here are the cities that value sex the most:

  1. Venice, CA
  2. Santa Monica, CA
  3. Newport Beach, CA
  4. West Hollywood, CA
  5. West Los Angeles, CA
  6. Woodland Hills, CA
  7. Miami Beach, FL
  8. Redondo Beach, CA
  9. Hoboken, NJ
  10. San Francisco, CA

Journalism

from Greenwald:

It is well worth listening to this 4-minute NPR story from this morning . . . on the grave and growing menace of “state-sponsored Terrorism” from Iran. NPR national security reporter Dina Temple-Raston does what she (and NPR reporters generally) typically do: Gathers a couple of current and former government officials (with an agreeable establishment think-tank expert thrown in the mix), uncritically airs what they say, and then repeats it herself. This is what establishment-serving journalists in Washington mean when they boast that they, but not their critics, engage in so-called “real reporting”; it means: calling up Serious People in Washington and uncritically repeating what they say . . . .

This morning, Temple-Raston began her report by noting — without a molecule of skepticism or challenge — that Iran is accused (by the U.S. government, of course) of trying to assassinate the Saudi ambassador on U.S. soil (a plot traced to “the top ranks of the Iranian government”); there was no mention of the fact that this alleged plot was so ludicrous that it triggered intense mockery in most circles. She then informed us that Iran is also likely responsible for three recent, separate attacks on Israeli officials. . . . All of this, Temple-Raston announces, shows that Iran is “back on the offensive.”

Iran is on “the offensive.” There is no mention in this NPR story — literally none whatsoever — of the string of serious attacks on Iran, from multiple explosions on their soil to the training and arming of a designated Terror group devoted to its government’s overthrow to the bombardment of its nuclear facilities with sophisticated cyber attacks to the multiple murders of its civilian nuclear scientists. These attacks on Iran — widely reported to be the work of some combination of the U.S. and Israel — literally do not exist in the world that NPR presented. Iran is simply sponsoring and launching “Terror attacks” out of the blue against the U.S. and Israel: presumably because they’re Evil Terrorists. . . . Imagine Bill Kristol delivering this “report” on Iran and try to identify how it would have been any different.

What’s most amazing about this isn’t just that people like Temple-Raston think that uncritically airing, amplifying and repeating the government-subservient views of a few homogeneous former U.S. officials constitutes “real reporting,” though that is quite remarkable. What’s most amazing is that NPR has an obsession with what it considers “neutral” reporting, and I guarantee you that Temple-Raston’s response to these criticisms would be to insist that she is neither a partisan nor an opinionist, but rather a “straight reporter” who simply presents facts without bias. She would undoubtedly believe that this report to which she just subjected the world — one that is about as one-sided, biased and opinionated as can be: Iran is offensively launching Terrorism at the world and the U.S. must stop it – is a pure example of objective reporting. That’s because “objective reporting” to such people means: endorsing, embracing and bolstering the prevailing views of the U.S. government and official Washington in order to inculcate the citizenry to believe them. Doing that can be called many things: “Objective” and “real reporting” are most definitely not among them.

There’s one prime reason why Americans are so uninformed about what their government does in their name around the world (Why do they hate us?). It’s because “news stories” from “even liberal media outlets” like NPR systematically obscure those facts, disseminating pure propaganda from America’s National Security State masquerading as high-minded, Serious news.