The Meaning of “No”

from here (Rule 2 seems tough):

I finally picked up that summer girlfriend I’ve been talking about. She’s a cute little thing, good job, nice girl, and easy to get along with.

I sealed the deal Saturday night after our second date. We met up at a bar here locally, I bumped in to a few friends along the way, and the five of us had a good night. As we left around 1:30 a.m., I walked her to her car and gave her a kiss, which is when she said “How far do you live from here?”

I said “about 6 miles”, and she smiled. She said “Let’s go back to your place and you can bring me back to my car tomorrow. Is that ok?”

Of course that was ok.

Once we arrived back at my place, she did the usual: she looked at the photos hanging on my wall of friends and family, asked all the “who is that?” questions, and headed for the bathroom as I crawled into bed. Neither one of us were drunk, because we had both been going easy on the booze since we both had long weeks and we weren’t in a party mood.

She came out of the bathroom and crawled into bed, and we started messing around. After about 15 minutes she was completely naked and on top of me. I grabbed her wrists, flipped her over on her back, and got on top of her.

“I love this”, she said, “but I’m not sure I want to have sex.”

I gave her a little kiss on the forehead and said “ok”. I rolled over, put my boxers back on, and we continued fooling around.

That’s when she started justifying her “no” to sex. She said “I just want to take it slow. I’ve learned that rushing in to things too quickly is a bad idea.”

I said “It’s not a problem, really. I’m just glad you’re here.”

I’d say less than 5 minutes later, she pulled my boxers back off, jumped on top of me, grabbed my rod and slid it in. I was a bit surprised, since her “no” was pretty clear just a few minutes prior.

Me: “Well look who decided she wants the…”

Her: “Just shut up and fuck me.”

I’d dare say there’s not a man out there who hasn’t been in this position a time or ten. The girl says “no”, you honor her wishes and stop the pursuit, and the next thing you know she’s asking for it again – or she just starts taking it.

This is a tricky situation since as a man, all of the risk involved goes on you. So let me make a few observations on the “no means no” situation, and share the personal policies I have developed over the years.

1. No means no, every time, in every situation, end of discussion. Game for me has never been about getting a woman to do something she doesn’t want to do – it’s about making her feel comfortable doing what she already wants to do. If she wants to be with me, then great. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too.

2. A drunken “no” has staying power for 24 consecutive hours. In the situation I described above, we were both stone-cold sober. But if either one of us was a little tipsy or drunk (I never get drunk, by the way) her “no” would have been treated as an absolute no for 24 hours. When she climbed back on top of me, I wouldn’t have had sex with her – regardless of what she said. I’ve been there many times over the years, and I have looked some rather beautiful young women in the eye and said “I don’t think you’re ready for this.” They usually get pissed off, call me a fag, and leave. No good deed goes unpunished.

3. A firm “no” is adhered to; as is a casual “no” and even the implications of a possible “no”.  I always err on the side of caution. The word “no” can come in many forms. “Slow down”, “wait,” “I’m not sure”, and any number of other words or phrases born of hesitation means “no” to me. If she says anything of the sort, I’m out.

In today’s sex-positive feminist world, the word “no” is becoming increasingly rare. But when it does pop up in any form, my advice is to take it very seriously. 30 seconds of orgasmic pleasure is not worth the lifetime of pain you’ll experience if she decides the next day (or a year later) that you took advantage of her without her consent. This is her world, she is the gatekeeper of sex, and it doesn’t matter if you acted inappropriately or not. All she has to do is *think* you acted inappropriately and and you’re screwed in more ways than one.

This article is not about promoting grrrrl power or urging men to treat women like the ladies they wish they were; it’s about keeping you from finding yourself in a jail cell staring at the business end of Big Bubba’s fleshpole while hoping he read this article and agrees that “no means no.”

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